I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
