Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
