but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
