This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
