You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
