i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Randomize
