I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
