I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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