ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
