She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
