When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I woke up under a house in Key West
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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