So drunk, too bad you don't want this
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
