I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
