Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
