She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
The power of my boobs compel you
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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