just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
