I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
