You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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