I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
