I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
