I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
