It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
