According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
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We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
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Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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