I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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