It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
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