somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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