hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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