The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
