I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
