Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
