DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
