Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
