Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
