As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
