Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Randomize
