When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
