You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
