I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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