If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
