Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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