My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
