I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
