Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You made out with two different species that night
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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