I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
