Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
