I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
