Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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