Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
