our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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