Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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