I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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