If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
