This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
