i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
pray to the hookup gods
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
