I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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