Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
only if we run a train.
done.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
