I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Dear god my vagina.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
