I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
