My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
