She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
