i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
