I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
